


Cruel Irony

by Oblivion_Wanderer



Category: Pacific Rim (Movies)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Neural Overload
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-29
Updated: 2014-09-29
Packaged: 2018-02-19 07:17:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2379629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oblivion_Wanderer/pseuds/Oblivion_Wanderer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The universe is cruel, and the price for truth can all often be too great.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cruel Irony

**Author's Note:**

> I'm terrible, I know. I feel your pain though- this was painful to write.

At the count of Newt's voice- sounding determined yet a tad frightened in the lit up, destroyed streets of Hong Kong, standing before a fallen infant Kaiju and Hermann standing to his left- the red button on the switch held by Newt is pressed.

In a heartbeat, everything dissolves into blue, and sends the two scientist's spiraling into the abyss of the Drift.

> _A toy airplane, equations and calculations,  
>  A tattoo parlor, the ink becoming embedded in skin,_
> 
> _Letters, the lab, constant bickering, the ghost of a smile,_
> 
> _Kaiju. They're here...!_
> 
> _Of course they were- they were Drifting with the decaying brain of a baby Kaiju. The moment their minds had been exposed to the Drift, it allowed the Kaiju to worm their way in and override their melding memories with visions of a twisted world far beyond this one. They saw the Kaiju, and in turn those aliens and their masters stared back at them; analyzed them with a simple look. The images of the truth, of the realm and their gates are revealed in an instant, and the voices of the alien masters hiss back at them in furry._
> 
> _'They're here they see me' Newt reaches out to grasp at the presence of Hermann in the Drift, wanting support as he is studied under a malicious eye._
> 
> _'Don't panic Newt just hang on' But Hermann sees it too, focusing in on it. 'no it's all wrong all wrong it's not going to work Newt!'_
> 
> _The knowledge and horrible truth is buzzing in his mind, in his senses, and Hermann feels it straining him, beginning to tear him apart. This Drift... it's overwhelming him. But he's not going to let it go and let it be forgotten like a bad dream. Hermann hangs on to the thread that is Newt as he falls apart and comes back together- fractured- and then thrown back into the streets of Hong Kong._
> 
> _In the meantime, Newt feels and understands everything. He saw the truth of the Breach as well... and he also saw Hermann, feeling the sudden connecting thread form and become taut, pulling him. Newt suddenly understands more about Hermann as the real world comes back and he yanks the headpiece off with a sputter._

“Are you okay?!” Is the choked cough that leaves the biologist.

Hermann is not okay. He's far from okay. He's shaking and blood is dripping- red and warm- from his nose and his head hurts with intense pressure. Memories painted on glass remain buried in him; the knowledge of the Kaiju and memories of Newt. So much... and too much at the same time. It all seems wrong. The Drift had definitely taken its toll mentally and physically. He feels as if he'll crumble, like the white-knuckled grip he has on his cane will not be enough to keep him up.

He doesn't express this. “Yes, of course.” Nope, just insisting he's okay and taking his own headpiece off at the same time. “I'm completely fine.”

A second later Hermann feels sick and then finds himself leaning awkwardly over a conveniently located toilet a few feet away, vomiting and feeling concern flicker in the back of his head (was it Newt?). He always did have a weak stomach. There's also a wet, coppery taste in his mouth- blood...? He was sure he tasted blood.

Newt shoves two items into his hands; a handkerchief and his cane. They face each other and words tumble from their lips. The Drift... the fault of the plan... the truth. The goal now was clear and they needed to get back to the Shatterdome as soon as possible.

But Hermann's still not okay. Newt looks worse for wear, clothes dirty and blood trickling from his nose as well (accompanying the red ring in his eye that the physicist was sure he had too), but Hermann was still not okay.

Desperately, he readjusts his grip on the cane, the joints in his hand aching. He tells himself to control his breathing because suddenly he's getting light headed- but his head is hurting so much. Newt is looking at him strangely, reaching a hand out to touch the physicist's shoulder. He knows Newt is saying his name, green eyes conveying this expression. Hermann wants to speak, assure the biologist he's okay, but he's only lying to himself more. Maybe it's the weight of the truth that finally makes his knees buckle and makes him collapse, cane clattering to the ground.

Someone's calling his name, voice a bit squeaky but overrun with worry, and arms catch him as he falls. Next thing Hermann is aware of is a dark sky and Newt leaning over him when he comes to. Assessment- right; he collapsed and Newt must have caught him. However, the close proximity of his friend isn't enough to yield how cold he suddenly feels, which makes him shiver.

“Hermann? Can you hear me?” The biologist is demanding, but gentle as well. He sounds frightened. “Say something, dude! What's wrong?”

Hermann can't think. His head hurts and is overloaded from the force of the Drift. He fumbles to find his voice.

“N-Newton, it's- it hurts, I-!” Everything hurts; his head, his bad leg, everything. “The pl-plan, it won't-”

“Calm down, don't worry about that!” Newt insisted. He presses the handkerchief to his nose. Oh... is there still blood there? “Tell me what's wrong, buddy.” No, wait, why is Newt setting aside that horrible realization for him? What he needs to do is-

“Newt, you have to go.” Hermann says, words finally stabilizing to make sense. “Tell them.”

“No!” Newt's voice cracks and it stills the physicist. “I'm not going without you, not after all this!”

“There's no choice.” He swallows thickly and he can taste blood again. He's shaking. He knows what's happening; Hermann knew the risks when he agreed to Drift with Newt. The price for truth could sometimes be too great. “I already knew... I took some of the neural load off your mind when we Drifted, like the pilots do. I-I knew... what could happen. You-” Hermann looked up at the biologist with desperation, grabbing hold of his leather jacket like Newt had to him done after the first Drift.

He saw drops of water on the inside of Newt's dirty, cracked glasses. His bloodshot eye stood out with a bold red, like the blood on his face. Was he crying?

 _'_ _Newton- Newt... don't cry._ _'_ Hermann pleaded silently, his thoughts becoming less coherent. The important thing now is that's he's safe. The biologist is safe, and alive, and he's going to help end the war. As long as Newt remained alive, it was okay.

Hermann swallowed and spoke once more to Newt. “You must survive; You have the information. You must live. Live to tell the tale.”

The world, tinted with blue, blurs out and gives way to blessed darkness, but at the same time it's where he doesn't want to be. He wants to stay. He wants to stay with Newt.

But he is lost to Newt now, and Hermann knows nothing more.

 

* * *

 

“Hermann! Talk to me!” Newt cries as he sees his friend's eyes roll back in his head. His shaking gets worse, taking a turn into convulsions. Newt sees this and mutters under his breath in a frantic tone. “No no no no...!”

He eases Hermann on his side and half-hovers beside, half-holds the physicist while waiting out the rest of the attack. Newt's scared, he's so scared. He feels sick; this is agonizing. This can't be- after they'd come so far. There were things he still had to say, things he saw in the Drift. This must be a nightmare. He couldn't loose his friend- no; Drift partner. He knew the physicist wasn't all of great health, and he knew he shouldn't have let Hermann Drift with him.

It is while in that instant that a sudden realization dawn upon Newt, which makes him wonder... is this how Hermann felt when he found Newt this way...? Did it feel this terrifying?

He loses track of time, and how long this moment lasts, but eventually the shaking calms, and the biologist pulls Hermann into his arms. There's still a tight hold on his jacket the whole time from where the physicist grasped onto it.

“Just hang in there...” Newt says to him. He thought he heard something in reply, but the body he's holding so close suddenly relaxes and stills.

Newt sits there, thinking it's over. However, Hermann is too still.

Hesitantly, his heart thudding against his chest, Newt looks down at the other. His breath hitches in his throat when he sees that blood had dripped down from Hermann's nose and his face is far too pale. He's far too still.

“Herms...?” Newt's voice sounds tiny as he gently picks up Hermann's head. His other hand feels for a pulse, but he can't find one. There is a complete absence of one at all. Gone, just like that.

Reality slams into Newt hard and it feels like his world's ending, everything coming apart at the seams. The world might as well be ending.

“No... No, you- Don't do this to me.” He shakes Hermann, but can't get him to wake. This couldn't be right. “C'mon Herms, you gotta- w-we gotta save the world!”

He stares at Hermann's pale face, already knowing there's nothing he can do.

A choked sob escapes his chest and he holds Hermann close to him.

There's memories in his head, so many things about the Hive and the Kaiju- the truth of it all. But there's so much of Hermann in his head as well. Memories, fragments, understanding. What he saw, what he felt, is imprinted. And there's an emotion that was brought out into the clear, stinging strong and deep.

Newt never saw it before, not until now. He feels what Hermann feels about Newt, how he wants to take the biologist's hand, or maybe ruffle his unprofessional hair, or maybe kiss his ridiculous face. But he holds back, holding back feelings accumulated for Newt over 10 years.

That's what makes Newt's heart hurt more than anything, because he felt those things too and only now he's seeing it.

How long did the physicist bury it? Why did it take so long to see?

“You.... Y-you stubborn, frog f-faced, grumpy idiot...” He muttered, voice thick with tears. “I wish you'd seen I l-loved you.”

Newt- bruised, bloody, upset, and heartbroken- rests his forehead against Hermann's, as if a simple touch would make things right.

“Hermann, I-I can't- Not without you; we were supposed to be rockstars...”

 

* * *

 

Newt takes Hermann's body back to the Shatterdome, refusing to leave him among ruins.

Newt kisses Hermann goodbye, smoothing back his hair before taking off towards LOOCENT. Hermann would have wanted him to give them the information.

Newt delivers the information seen through wild eyes of the creatures of the deep just in time.

They close the Breach, the clock stops, but he does not join the celebrations.

He walks away.

Newt stands in the doorway of the room belonging to someone he once knew, someone he once loved.

In that instant Newt sinks down to his knees and silently cries, staying within the last fragment of that person- Hermann- for as long as he pleases. He's gone now, Hermann's gone. Newt can still see the frayed last moments playing over in his head.

But in his head he can still see Hermann smiling, and that's truly the last thing he wants to remember about him. Just remember him as he was when he was smiling.

**Author's Note:**

> I can't remember who said it, but the last time I watched a stream of PR, someone mentioned 'what if hermann died because of the second drift', and I was just 'dammit, don't give me anymore ideas' but too late. Recently, a post I saw one day that metioned it and motivated me back into writing.
> 
> Set to the song Six Days At The Bottom Of The Ocean, by Explosions In The Sky


End file.
